Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

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Sitting down in the shower

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All of my friends go to halloween parties. I still go trick or treating.

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rub your face on your legs after shaving to feel how smooth they are.

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try to give your friends spirit animals

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I have to sleep with my bottom lip stuck to the pillow or my hand so I can breathe.

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Whenever you shave, you make sure you cut both ends of your moustache, leaving a small patch in the middle above your lips. Then you pretend to be Hitler ;)

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Pretending you're a badass character from an anime or movie when listening to rock music (or something similar)

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I hum the MLP:FIM theme and hope no one recognizes the tune.

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When theres a sex scene in the movie I like to jack off to see if I would last as long as the man -deadpool (yogurt)

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click your pen off of your desk and make it hop in the air

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Pretending to use the force while a door closes behind you, then thinking your brilliant :) -Tim.

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Having the tv on always, just for background noise. Doesn't work with a computer/laptop, must be the tv.

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When dunking oreos I like to hold it under the milk and watch the bubbles til they stop

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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after you've been in a fight i usually think up some epic move i could've done instead.

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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I have the background on my computer a picture of some cartoon characters,and when I'm alone I talk to the screen like those characters are actually in the room. -Briarwoodninja

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strawberry flavored hemorrhoid cream

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Leave the fan on at night just in case you feel to warm.

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Not likeing something someone posted because you have a secret crush on them and you don't want them to think you check there Facebook too much.

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Whenever I hear a baby or a young child scream very loud, I imagine that their head will explode.

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I really enjoy spending my birthday alone. I never told anyone that.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.