When im alone i rub myself in vasaline and pretend that im a slug on the kitchen floor.

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Whenever I finish reading a book, I feel a great sense of achievement.

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I waTch 2 GIRLS AND 1 CUP AND I FAPPED THOSE BITCHES MANY TIMES! HELL YEA! /M\

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When I check into a hotel room I think about the countless number of sex acts that has been performed in there.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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All of my friends go to halloween parties. I still go trick or treating.

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Sneeze for a few minutes when I've eaten too much.

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I can't piss with my shoes on.

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When i think about something hilarious that happened previously and laugh about it days later at the most innappropriate time.

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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Thinking you're very popular after you have owned someone at school.

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After getting up from the grass, I use my foot to move the grass I was sitting on around so that there isn't a butt print in the grass.

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I sometimes look at a guy and wonder how big their dick is.

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Use the massaging shower head on my anus to power blast the poop plaque away

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Pretend my ski pole is a gun while I'm on the chair lift. Or just any object around when I'm not skiing.

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Make fun of someone for something. Then realize you do the same thing

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Still sitting on the toilet 20 minutes after you're done crapping... you're not alone.. -Professor.

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When someone starts waving and saying hi then I start waving and saying hi even though I have no idea who it is only to realize they are actually waving at someone behind me.

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Think something you shouldn't about someone, stop thinking about it in case they read your mind, and then, as an added precaution, think "I know you listening".

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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have fake conversations that might happen in the future...so ur prepared

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Feeling stupid when you're watching a funny movie and you laugh by yourself. So you look around and stop laughing.

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Sometimes I get annoyed when I realize none of my friends ever eat vegetables or drink anything but sugary soda`s and are somehow as healthy, sometimes even healthier than me.

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When my girlfriend ask me what I am thinking about, I tell her I am thinking of all the great things about my last girlfriend.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.