When home alone, I put cans in front of the door so if someone breaks in, I wake up.

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I speak dialogues at home to myself that I could possibly have with people in hypothetical situations. Km

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Make odd grunting noises and sighs of relief while going #2.

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Whenever I watch TV, the volume has to be on multiples of 5. Even if the perfect volume is in between.

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pick nose in car and realize people can see you when stopped at a red light

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When people are walking behind me I automatically think they are staring at my ass and get self-conscious.

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When sitting on the pot I whip and then I feel like I have to crap again.

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I no longer trust any of my local news because they appear to have an agenda

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Dad, what's that dark place over there? That's Chorley son, you must never go there.

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I play out romantic scenarios with myself when I'm alone. We're talking full-blown just straight up talking out loud- to myself, of course. It's not that I'm lonely or anything since I did this when I had a boyfriend anyway (just to clarify, it didn't end because of this XD.) I really just feel like doing it because it's really friggin' entertaining. If you've never done it, well... it's basically like being in a really crappy, low budget soap opera, with a plot that doesn't make any damn sense, staring you as every character and the audience. That's basically the only way I could describe it lol.

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try to give your friends spirit animals

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YEET! TURN UP! KEEP IT ONEHUNNIT DADDY!! YAS GAGA YASS!! SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!! PU$$Y ON FLEEK!! PULLOUT GAME STRONG! LARRY IS REAL!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH!! IMMA REAL G! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!! I SAID HA! BITCH WHERE??? GIVE ME SOME ASS!! WHAT ARE THOOOSE!!! WHERE THEY AT THO?! BITCH BETTA HAVE MUH MONEY! FCK HER RIGHT IN THE PSSY! EAT THAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES!!!!! SURFBOARD! IM NOT GAY NO MORE! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?!! QUEEN! SLAY!

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eating a sandwich with strategically placed bites such that i get the same ratio of crust to tastier non-crust sandwich center in each bite. sometimes i just take two smaller bites of crust and center part so that i don't have to taste mostly bread crust in a mouthful.

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Pretend animals talk to you!

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When you look in the mirror, and it ruins your whole day.

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Doing a little dance after having sex because your so proud you're a FATHER!!! - Uncle Jerrett

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Leave coins on the floor in the corner when I have a party to see if there is a petty thief around

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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Watching movies about couples with age gaps and woundering how it would feel like to be with somebody much older (or younger) than you. Would they use viagra or would you not even try to have sex with someone so old and delicate?

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putting your hand in the water in the back of the toilet and thinking its gross toilet water and get grossed out

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i noticed that a lot of people pronounce "LOL" like roll. Am i the only one that reads it as L. O. L. (el oh el) ????

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I sit up all night on the computer/xbox then when people ask if i have slept i just lie and say yes to avoid the drama.

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When I get "interactive" commercials on my laptop screen, I like to "just shoot 4 out of 5 ducks" and feel like I have cheated the system.

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Make fun of someone for something. Then realize you do the same thing

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.