Wipe a soda can after somebody else in my family drinks out of it just in case I get sick or I may feel there spit.

thumb_up thumb_down -57

Left alone Big noise, people aren't expected back as soon so grab baseball bat and charge only to find them back early...."what you doing?" "batting my socks around practising my baseball skills"

thumb_up thumb_down -61

Cheak the fridge every 5 minuets waiting for food to just "magicly" appear

thumb_up thumb_down -63

I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

thumb_up thumb_down -67

Layer the water in the toilet with toilet paper, so when I poo the water does splash back up and splatter poo and water all over my bum

thumb_up thumb_down -67

(okay maybe not a thing I do but something I noticed) When people call themselves "Writers" In today's world you know that might not be the case because we have computers so shouldn't they be called typers?

thumb_up thumb_down -77

I was the real Stig...

thumb_up thumb_down -103

Go for a 10 mile run.

thumb_up thumb_down +42

Chew as quietly as possible when eating cookies but as loud as possible when eating fruit.

thumb_up thumb_down +22

Chewing your chips softer so you can hear the tv

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Think that some minutes feel shorter than others

thumb_up thumb_down +2

I love touching, squeezing and occasionally biting my dog's (read: any dog's) muzzle. I love the texture and the gummy-ness. I also love how pissed he gets when I do it and sneezes after.

thumb_up thumb_down

When watching TV shows, I always think about what I would have done differently if I was the character in that particular situation.

thumb_up thumb_down -6

Eat a biscuit realise how nice it is and eat the whole packet

thumb_up thumb_down -6

If someone tells me what I did when I was drinking and it's stupid or embarrassing I pretend I don't remember because I was too drunk.

thumb_up thumb_down -8

Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

thumb_up thumb_down -12

Pretend the legs of a chair are the barrels of a mini gun while moving them.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

We keep a spare key hidden outside somewhere in case we are locked out

thumb_up thumb_down -18

My bedroom is at the end of the house, so when I turn the light out and sprint to the lounge room, thinking Jeff the Killer could get me...

thumb_up thumb_down -24

Nero the clit collector. What+ you never collected stamps, coins or something? YOUR CRIMES! WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES FOR FUCKlNG CRIMES SAKE ETC.

thumb_up thumb_down -24

I love the We'll Be Right Back jingle on the Eric Andre show.

thumb_up thumb_down -26

I don't read the terms of service.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Saying an awkward word enough times so that it doesn't sound like a real word anymore

thumb_up thumb_down -40

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.