pull the poo out of my butt when im too impatient to push it out

I think about life problems in the shower

When I check into a hotel room I think about the countless number of sex acts that has been performed in there.

Sometimes, when I'm at work, I j3rk 0ff in the bathroom. Please tell me someone else has done this????

I sometimes wonder if the world is even real.

Play with my own boobs for no reason

I always save a bite of my favorite food for last so that is the taste I have in my mouth when the meal is over.

it is not disgusting to bite your toe nails, it is a skill

When there are multiple puddles on the sidewalk you try and jump in every single one of them

When you can't use your hand to push a door, kick it and say "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

I actually get stuck watching those rediculous infomercials late at night... Yeah - you're not alone. But no, I don't buy anything either... Lol.

When a passneger in the car, I sing songs in my head and hope the song is in time with the signs and streetlights as I drive past them.

Locking your pet in the room and forcing it to spend time with you.

When someome asks you a question and you can't hear them so you say, "what?", then they say it again and you miss it so you just nod your head and say "yeah".

Sittig on a table donating sperm to my friend gabe

pee in the side of the toilet so its not as loud.

When I'm waiting for someone who is late. I go-over in my head how I'm going to greet them. For example "Well, it's about damn time", or "Finally!".

When I'm home alone at night, and the lights are on so you can't see anything out the windows, I will stop randomly and stare out the window to make anyone watching me think I know that they are there.

While spending the night drinking with my spouse at home, i put a diaper on so i don't have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I also change it for a fresh one when i go to bed.

eat the salt from the bottom of the pretzel bag

Not eat French fries because I don't like the taste rather than because they are unhealthy?

Rinse off salted nuts before eating them

acting as if you can shoot with a banana

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.