pull the poo out of my butt when im too impatient to push it out

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I think about life problems in the shower

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When I check into a hotel room I think about the countless number of sex acts that has been performed in there.

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Sometimes, when I'm at work, I j3rk 0ff in the bathroom. Please tell me someone else has done this????

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I sometimes wonder if the world is even real.

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Play with my own boobs for no reason

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I always save a bite of my favorite food for last so that is the taste I have in my mouth when the meal is over.

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it is not disgusting to bite your toe nails, it is a skill

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When there are multiple puddles on the sidewalk you try and jump in every single one of them

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When you can't use your hand to push a door, kick it and say "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

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I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

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I actually get stuck watching those rediculous infomercials late at night... Yeah - you're not alone. But no, I don't buy anything either... Lol.

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When a passneger in the car, I sing songs in my head and hope the song is in time with the signs and streetlights as I drive past them.

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Locking your pet in the room and forcing it to spend time with you.

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When someome asks you a question and you can't hear them so you say, "what?", then they say it again and you miss it so you just nod your head and say "yeah".

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Sittig on a table donating sperm to my friend gabe

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pee in the side of the toilet so its not as loud.

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When I'm waiting for someone who is late. I go-over in my head how I'm going to greet them. For example "Well, it's about damn time", or "Finally!".

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When I'm home alone at night, and the lights are on so you can't see anything out the windows, I will stop randomly and stare out the window to make anyone watching me think I know that they are there.

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While spending the night drinking with my spouse at home, i put a diaper on so i don't have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I also change it for a fresh one when i go to bed.

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eat the salt from the bottom of the pretzel bag

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Not eat French fries because I don't like the taste rather than because they are unhealthy?

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Rinse off salted nuts before eating them

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.