Fall asleep at night fantasizing about how you wish life situations would play out.

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dont turn my fan up so high cause i think its going to fall and slice me to bits -jesse

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I masturbate evenly with both hands so that my penis doesn't become crooked.

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Whenever i am watching TV my parents always walk by at the worst part like a sex scene or a dirty joke.

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Realising that there are ASSHOLES posting dumb shit on this site.

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Receiving or finding something cool in your dream, then waking up thinking you have it and realize you don't.

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when someone is talking about something i have no idea of and then asked me if i agree I'm like: oh yes! and then promptly changing subject so they won't find out

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Too lazy to exercise. Think to self "I'm gonna work out tomorrow." - instantly feel better about self. Still didn't exercise.

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Find yourself alone at a party/gathering of some sort... Pretend to send a text to make people think you're not a loner.

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Think that a movie is shorter after you watch it once or twice

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Pick giant boogers and eat them.

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Realizing that when you look behind a shower curtain before using the bathroom and actually see a Serial killer, you have no plan...

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instinctively thumb down long posts without reading them.

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Reading a book and making the facial expressions it describes.

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Sometimes I wipe my butt so violently that my finger goes through the toilet paper and into my butt hole. I enjoy it and question my sexuality. ;)

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Squeezing my cat's face back so it looks Chinese.

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When I am home alone and I hear something upstairs, I pretend my Dad is here and say really loudly, "Hey Dad! When are you going to your violent national wrestling match tonight?!"

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I plant my feet firmly when the subway approaches in case a random stranger tries to kill me by pushing me in front of the train.

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Put my hand under the pillow in bed to get orgasm

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Pee in the shower.

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Pretend to listen to iPod, but actually eavesdrop on the people around me.

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I stop the microwave at 1 second so that one someone else uses it it beeps

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Having a dream and forgetting it seconds later.

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When I was younger I would image a band that played the songs on the radio that was strapped to the roof of the car during long car rides.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.