Sometimes, when I'm alone and it's dark outside, I like to cover my body in petroleum jelly and pretend to be a slug.

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Tear up when I poop

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Scratching with the wife's/girlfriends hair brush.

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when i have a head or toothache...i hit it harder thinking it will stop or get better

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while I am sitting on the toilet I play with it and waste the toilet paper and of course i just keep flushing it

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Listening to romantic hollywood sad core and feeling depressed because your single.

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When i get a back shiver. That's when i know something bad going to happen.

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We keep a spare key hidden outside somewhere in case we are locked out

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When I wake up after having a good dream I try to remember it but I don't

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When I was younger, I would always try to construct some type of car by using the plastic things from Push-Ups as wheels.

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Criticize a porn novel for its poor use of the English language

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Sometimes I reflect on my life and just feel humiliated.

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When I was a kid and I misbehaved when my dad used to smack me I would put emphasis in my cries to let him think that I got the lesson.

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Picking your dogs booger for him/her

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Nero the clit collector. What+ you never collected stamps, coins or something? YOUR CRIMES! WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES FOR FUCKlNG CRIMES SAKE ETC.

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if your listening to music, move the volume up and down to experience the bass a lil better

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Emmy Jackson Y U ALWAYS ANGRY WHEN SOMEONE SAY HI

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I love the We'll Be Right Back jingle on the Eric Andre show.

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Sometimes I look at security cameras and start to act suspiciously like I'm up to something... but really... I'm not.

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Imagine your in action movies and die for a girl while your lying there trying too sleep and realising you are deep in thought about something that your too chicken to do.

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When buying anything - a book, pint of milk, food, pen - will go to put down the first one you picked up to find a newer one.... Then feel really bad for the other one you put down and go back to that one so it doesn't feel hurt.

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When I'm drinking something, I slosh the glass back and forth a long with my head to try and get what I'm drinking into my mouth.

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When a passneger in the car, I sing songs in my head and hope the song is in time with the signs and streetlights as I drive past them.

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Peel my mandarin oranges in one try

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.