Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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I eat one way in public and another way in private.

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Realise logically that a chicken egg is her period. we eat chicken periods!

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Coughing really loud to cover up the sound of your fart, then shitting your pants.

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I always have excellent manners when eating around others, but when I'm alone I eat like a pig and have no manners.

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sometimes i sing and when i do , i make drum sounds with my teeth and you know, all that stuff

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Open the fridge, nothing there, close fridge, open again just to make sure nothing has magically appeared

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Stalk people on facebook, find out something interesting, and later claim that it 'came up on your newsfeed'.

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If I hear a noise, it obviously means there is a monster somewhere in/near my bedroom and the sheets will protect me as long as they cover up to my chin.

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Imagining how it would feel to switch bodies with your crush

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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having cool friends, but all their other friends are nerds.

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Smell my fingers after I pick u pennies or unlock the door with my keys!

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I think of unbelievably perverted things seconds before I am about to cum when masturbating.

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Whenever I'm scared at night in my room I turn on music. Because the music will keep away people trying to get me. Obviously.

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I wear my boxers so I can poop through the pee hole

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Sometimes when I'm sitting next to a random person having a conversation with them (in the car for instance) I imagine myself reaching out and holding their hand. I then get super embarrassed just for having the thought.

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I think something is gonna get me at night when I walk out of my brothers roomso I look behind me and run and usually bump into a wall

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Cringe when remembering something weird about you that happened years ago

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When someone sits with crossed legs, I notice their lifted foot throb slightly with their pulse. It is really distracting sometimes.

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Leftovers are better than the actual meal ;)

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I sleep in my underpants every single night

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When you Saigon the couch and say "I am hungry" but then don't do anything because you are too lazy.

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Wonder why every single kid is looking at you in a restaurant.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.