When I'm riding passenger in a car, things I'm driving past will be a part of my imaginary drum kit. When a car passes in the opposite direction, I'll tap my right foot as the bass drum, a drain hole along the gutter is my left hand snare, and the street signs and lights are the hi-hats in my right hand.

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Inspect the shower, bath or toilet, then washing it until you believe it is suitable to use.

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i absolutely hate the number nine, and when i told my brother this i was like "sometimes i wish i could delete the number 9" and hes like "but then youd have 9 numbers" and i was like..... "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

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Taking the time to lick all of the cream off of the inside of an Oreo.

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While talking on the phone you can't think of anything to say then it gets awkwardly quiet

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing

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Feeling sorry for inanimate objects

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Pee in my work garbage can.

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You are thinking of really awkward moments that happened earlier in the day so then you subconsciously say a bunch of random things quickly out loud to get the thought of the awkward moment out of your head.

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Someone waves at me and I wave back...and then I realize they were waving at someone behind me.

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When I poop I pretend to make my wiener talk.

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Look at a word long enough to not seem like a word anymore, then sounding weird.

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When i need to poop i place toilet paper over the water so it doesn't splash up and hit my rectum.

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Save more than once on your favourite game.

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Hit the off button on the microwave three times to simulate the sound it makes when time is up.

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fart and then breathe it in really quick hoping no one else smells it first

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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Brake for tail-gaters

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Watch a familiar movie, and then freak out when you see a suspensful part, only to later realize that there was no point in getting worked up since you already know what happens.

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whale sperm

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Every time I see my self in a mirror, I feel like I'm watching someone in a different dimension and make quick movements to see if they mess up.

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I feel bad for not reading the terms of service on a website, because someone had to put a lot of effort into that.

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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Wondering how your funeral would play out if you die

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.