Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

I eat one way in public and another way in private.

Realise logically that a chicken egg is her period. we eat chicken periods!

Coughing really loud to cover up the sound of your fart, then shitting your pants.

I always have excellent manners when eating around others, but when I'm alone I eat like a pig and have no manners.

sometimes i sing and when i do , i make drum sounds with my teeth and you know, all that stuff

Open the fridge, nothing there, close fridge, open again just to make sure nothing has magically appeared

Stalk people on facebook, find out something interesting, and later claim that it 'came up on your newsfeed'.

If I hear a noise, it obviously means there is a monster somewhere in/near my bedroom and the sheets will protect me as long as they cover up to my chin.

Imagining how it would feel to switch bodies with your crush

Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

having cool friends, but all their other friends are nerds.

Smell my fingers after I pick u pennies or unlock the door with my keys!

I think of unbelievably perverted things seconds before I am about to cum when masturbating.

Whenever I'm scared at night in my room I turn on music. Because the music will keep away people trying to get me. Obviously.

I wear my boxers so I can poop through the pee hole

Sometimes when I'm sitting next to a random person having a conversation with them (in the car for instance) I imagine myself reaching out and holding their hand. I then get super embarrassed just for having the thought.

I think something is gonna get me at night when I walk out of my brothers roomso I look behind me and run and usually bump into a wall

Cringe when remembering something weird about you that happened years ago

When someone sits with crossed legs, I notice their lifted foot throb slightly with their pulse. It is really distracting sometimes.

Leftovers are better than the actual meal ;)

I sleep in my underpants every single night

When you Saigon the couch and say "I am hungry" but then don't do anything because you are too lazy.

Wonder why every single kid is looking at you in a restaurant.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.