Look at my poo before I flush it.

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Your mom

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Imagine I'm being filmed in a reality TV show just so I could do something productive or interesting.

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wonder if famous singers are actually the one that sings the song, or if someone else records it in the studio and then they lip sync at concerts.

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Smile like a damn dork when I watch romantic movies.

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Sometimes I think ''Someone somewhere in the world just got slapped'' or ''Someone just took a nasty shit''.

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I violate and then kill people, all ages and kinds... ..:But everyone does that right? I mean... Lol, I just type that because I am insecure now, and I kill when I am insecure... ...Excuse me.

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stare at someones face until they distort and then wonder why they are asking me why I'm smiling.

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get caught up in youtube comment arguments

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Sometimes I like to count the amount of steps it takes to get upstairs/downstairs. Then I realize that the number is never the same.

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Try to fly by jumping and then discover you can't

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After masterbating, I wonder if my dead relatives can just see what I did?

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Drink half the water in a water bottle and then swish it around pretending to drown little people inside it.

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only read the short jokes on this website

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Laying in bed kind of hungry, knowing exactly what you want to eat, and going over all the steps involved (going all the way to the kitchen, making the food, cleaning up, going all the way back to your room, plus it's nighttime and something might get you) and trying to decide whether or not it's worth it to go eat now or just wait until you wake up.

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Skip peeing before bed because you dont feel like it, knowing that in about 15 minutes youre going to have to get back up because you wont be able to fall asleep until you go pee.

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I always twist my washcloth into a cone shape, so when I take my next shower it is dry and hardened. Then I pretend stab it into my stomach and say "MY LIFE FOR AIUR!" before getting it wet again.

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I put a cigarette lighter in a fireplace, anyone else?

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I no longer trust any of my local news because they appear to have an agenda

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You try to tell a joke to impress everyone and then you mess it up.

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laugh whenever I see an infomercial where the hosts glorify their products to the point where it seems like they have found Jesus it is hilarious.

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Post one on this site thinking everyone will love you but then you realize you're the 2,833 person to post on this site and no one will ever see it. If this is still where it was when I posted it, then congratulations! You've read through 300 FUCKING PAGES! (that meant go get a job)

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after having a hot shower I sometimes just sit in my room wearing just a towel

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I rehearse arguments in my head.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.