When I'm alone with my pet, sometimes we just sit down and stare at each each other for a minute or two

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My bedroom is at the end of the house, so when I turn the light out and sprint to the lounge room, thinking Jeff the Killer could get me...

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sitting in the passenger seat of the car, move my head around gently to guide a piece of dirt on the window in the foreground around the obstacle course of trees, streetlights etc in the background. Also, imagine my eyes are projecting lasers which cut through anything and carve the passing world up to my design.

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Log onto facebook, notice a family member is also logged on, and immediately log off before they trap you in a never-ending facebook chat.

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When i talk i say i like how or i hate that.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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Surfing nsfw subreddit at work

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Sometimes I turn on my bedroom fan at night just so i can use heavier blankets.

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I'm ridiculously turned on by the scent nail polish.

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I am 23 and I know how to spell "STORK"

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually in a coma and that everything is just a dream and my parents are standing over me watching me and wishing their daughter was awake

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After reading something from this site, I find myself compelled to try it.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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When looking at a digital clock that counts down to seconds, I wait until the seconds are an even number, then I try to say each number in order twice before it changes.

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I like to think I'm a Lion or cat.

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I like to turn the lights off in the bathroom, actually block every little bit of light I possibly can, then take a nice warm shower, curl up on the floor, block my ears and enjoy the warm water and sensory deprivation.

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read on youtube comments with too unlikes

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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Still sitting on the toilet 20 minutes after you're done crapping... you're not alone.. -Professor.

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Chew as quietly as possible when eating cookies but as loud as possible when eating fruit.

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I am Moral Man your friendly r*pist neighboorhood, what only I can do? I can steal, cheat, kill r*pe boys and girls, cats, not mouse heck I am no pervert either see? All this and I can still be... ...A SMOOTH CRIMINAL! AH! YAHOOW!

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Whenever i do something bad to someone I can't stop smiling even though i never wanted to smile in the first place and i feel like people think I'm a terrible person

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Think that my ice tastes different than my water.

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After eating a banana I leave the last bit that was in the bottom

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.